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 The first step in this process of resolving conflict is to identify the problem area and then to shrink that in your mind by finding positive words to describe the irritation. So, if it is a behavioural issue see the child as being enthusiastic rather than noisy, creative rather than naughty, and careful rather than slow. Remember that as you change your attitude towards any child, the child will change his or her behaviour towards you.

The next step is to do with understanding and being approachable. Remember that every child is doing the best he or she can in the present circumstances. Try and be patient and understanding with the child concerned.

The third step is to break the paradigm that there is such a thing as good and bad, fair and unfair. It is how it is and if we, as the adult, feel unhappy and uncomfortable about how it is, then we need to help the child to make positive changes.

The fourth step to positive change is to be brave and to look beyond the issue itself. To see what may be at play and what needs to be learnt from this situation. Look at the following example. What do you see first?

Do you see the vase or the two faces? This diagram is there to demonstrate that it is true that there is often more to a situation than first meets the eye.

The fifth step in developing a positive relationship is to explore what the child felt when he or she behaved in the way he or she did. For example, to work with the child to identify what the feeling is. Perhaps it is one of anger, sadness, or frustration.

You can't help a child unless you know what it is that he or she is feeling and it is almost guaranteed that he or she will not always be feeling what you think he or she is feeling! Take the time to find out and then it will be easier to solve in the long run.

 Remember that it is far MORE BENEFICIAL to explore with children how they are feeling than to tell them what you think they should be feeling! It is better to tell a child how you would prefer him or her to behave than to tell him or her how he or she should behave. Give the child lots of positive body language. Children are very perceptive people and they watch us intently to see if they believe what we are saying. So, give lots of eye contact, touch the child on the shoulder, head and hand. Use a firm tone of voice and be careful not to raise your voice at the end of the sentence, which conveys uncertainty. Give a child strong messages about what he or she can do in future. This is so much more powerful than giving someone a list of "don'ts", which will only arouse the original feelings again. Show a child that you forgive him or her and you will have that child's respect for a long time but punish, threaten and hurt that child's feelings in some way and you will be seen as a bully and a monster yourself!

Children respond the most to those adults who do what they preach. Therefore, if you tell a child to be kind you need to be kind to the children also. If you ask a child not to interrupt in the lesson then you must avoid doing the same thing. Be aware of how many times you tell a child not to do something and then immediately do it yourself.

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