Individualised Parenting

 The only real effective and long-lasting way to raise children is to individualise our parenting. What is individualised parenting? Individualised parenting is about fully understanding the child, addressing the needs of each child and nurturing and parenting each child in a way that benefits the child. Instead of raising children by demanding, instructing and insisting that they "be" like you, or think like you or behave like you. It is a simple yet profound shift in emphasis. An emphasis, which may sound good in theory but is tricky in practice, especially if you have more than one child, a job to hold down, pets, household and garden chores, activities to plan and organise and other family duties. However, if you can hold this positive vision and remain open to the new ideas then with a bit of practice it is possible to do and we'll show you how.

The Concept of Individualised Parenting

 For many the concept of individualised parenting is very different to the way they were parented themselves. For many the benchmark or the key to being a good parent was a balance between discipline and love - in fact many parents did, and still do for that matter, judge themselves against the outside world's view that encouraged "moulding" children and the good mother or father bit was based upon how well the child behaved.

Then, and often now, little time is spent considering children's happiness and emotional well-being. Parents often feel that they've done well if their child is polite, well mannered, stays out of trouble, does well at school and eventually gets some good qualifications and a well-paid job.

Although all of the above are excellent achievements and desirable, the expectations of most parents have, over the years, risen even higher and as a result the pressure on them has dramatically increased. Today, not only do parents want their children to be polite, intelligent, streetwise and responsible people, they also want them to be able to relate well to others, build loving relationships, to secure worthwhile and fulfilling jobs, to be self-motivated and upbeat and to be full of self-esteem, confidence and self-worth.

In order to achieve this parents are very anxious to "do the right thing" but what is the "right thing"? How do we raise our children to ensure that they don't end up with all the negative beliefs, useless hang-ups and unhelpful attitudes that many of us have had to live with?

The Role of the Parent

 Few would disagree that parenting is a multi-talented job. A job, which has no job description, pay cheque or pre-knowledge of its customer. Knowledge is acquired on a day by day basis or on a "see how it goes" basis. Hence it is hardly surprising that many parents feel unsure, confused and dissatisfied by the whole parenting palaver. We often rely upon what our parents did or use the "I read that in a book, so let's try it". In addition each generation has its own view on what we should all be doing. For example "children should be seen and not heard" "spare the rod and spoil the child" to more recent views such as "time out and grounding".

All of these views, attitudes and beliefs have one thing in common which is that they impress upon or insist that the child be this kind of person or that kind of person and they chip away at the child's sense of self and uniqueness. If we raise our children according to a preconceived view or theory and discount the uniqueness of the child then we are likely to criticise the child, make disparaging comments, get impatient, rush our child along or dismiss our child's interest in something because we see it as vaguely odd or inappropriate. The price we pay is that the child's sense of self begins to erode. The child then begins to see him or herself as flawed, imperfect or in need of improvement rather than as a perfect, capable, unique, strong and resilient individual. In short pre-conceived views and theories allow children to develop true and lasting self-esteem by tailoring our parenting to match the child rather than expecting our child to match our parenting. No longer does one style of parenting work with every child. It is now all about getting insight, knowledge about who the child really is, what makes him or her really tick, what drives the child, what motivates the child, how does the child processes information and why the child expresses him or herself in that way.

It is about staying objective and not getting over involved in his or her successes, failures, struggles and accomplishments. It is about seeing our child not as an extension of ourselves but as a person in their own right. Once we can distinguish ourselves from our child or children then, and only then, can we begin to accommodate their needs because what motivated us and excited us as children may be downright boring or scary for them.

Hence our role as parent is to discover who our child or children really are. The basic and fundamental yearning of the human spirit is firstly to be understood and secondly it is to be loved. Children want and yearn for unconditional love and respect as individuals.

They want to be accepted for who they are, recognised for their unique talents, differences, quirks and gifts. Children want to be accepted and regarded as special, regardless of how much they are like their brother, sister or cousin. Parenting from a position of understanding and acceptance helps the child to develop self-acceptance, self-esteem and inner happiness. Such a child would grow up confident, secure, honest, independent and loving because his or her parents accepted, understood and celebrated the child's individuality. This understanding, in essence, is the greatest gift we as parents can give our children.

Understanding our children and ourselves is the key to solving any parenting issue because unless we truly understand and love ourselves first, it is tricky to really be able to love another fully. Thus, self-acceptance is the beginning of the development of self-esteem for both the child and adult. If either the child or the adult has an inner feeling of lack of self-worth or a feeling of emptiness then the child and the adult will both seek to fill the void. Children usually try and fill the void by using behaviour to show their feelings of anger, frustration, sadness or misery, or general feelings of unhappiness or hopelessness. Behaviour such as being cold or aloof, being aggressive or intimidating, being threatening or questioning or being the victim or the hard done by one, are the most common forms of controlling or destructive behaviour used by children to fill the void of lack of self-worth.

Adults, on the other hand will use behaviour they have learnt from their childhood or they will fill the void by "picking at others", working too hard or making "material" purchases. Things or instances, which give them a temporary sense of power and a brief but superficial feeling of self-worth.

So, although it may seem daunting at first to look at ourselves and our children with fresh eyes, it is the only way to seek the most rewarding, fulfilling and everlasting answer. For the answer lies deep within all of us. Once we understand who we are and our children really are then we can begin to figure out how to make changes in our approach and methods in order to be more supportive, positive and accepting parents. Parents who then accept without question, complaint or resistance the children we've been blessed to manage, support and love. Unless we do this we'll always be working in the dark and be tempted to think either we are right and the child is wrong or knock ourselves or to knock the child. The end result being that we are either undermining our confidence or our child's.

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