Outbursts and tantrums - probably the toughest behaviour to manage positively.

 Spirited kids are often prone to having outbursts and tantrums due to their depth of emotion. They can go from a high to a low within minutes. They get so excited one minute and then are crying and screaming the next minute over something else - perhaps something like losing a toy, a piece of homework or a small change to the plan. But because they lose it so often they leave us parents wondering why? What did we do wrong? What did we miss this time and what could we do better next time?

Spirited children often do not understand the build up of their emotions, so it is the responsibility of parents and teachers to help them understand and appreciate the power of this intensity and to teach them how to channel it, instead of letting it control them and US!

The trick is to move in before their intensity builds. To pick up on the verbal or non-verbal clues before the child fills up with emotion. No two children's clues are the same, much depends upon the child's personality (see Butler Profile). The fact is every child sends out identifiable clues that their intensity is building. Clues that you can hear, see, or sense. And by picking up on these clues you can move in and take preventative actions and use soothing devices to prevent their intensity boiling over.

Intense feelings, if managed well, allow spirited children a depth and delight of emotion rarely experienced by other children. Once understood it can be challenged and directed into areas which enable the child to achieve and be fulfilled.

Feeling good about strong emotions

 Emotions and feelings add flavour to our lives. They can allow us to feel animated, lively, creative, enthusiastic, zealous and vivacious.

But before your child can feel good about his or her intense feelings and emotions, you need to change how you view it first. Change the message you give your child when you next experience an intense outburst. Instead of jumping in with a negative message or remark, count to ten and diffuse the situation by recognising your child's intensity.

Examples such as "I can see that this is really important to you", or "I understand that you feel strongly about this or even, I am listening to you or I'm just thinking about what you have said".

Consider more carefully the words you choose when your child is feeling intense. Your child will then be more willing to work with you, share his or her feelings and explain the situation from his or her point of view because he or she knows that you are not going to knock him or her down. When your child trusts you because he or she can see that you are willing to see it from his or her perspective, it is then possible to talk about his or her needs, feelings and ways to soothe him or herself.

If you can fill children with positive messages about their intensity it will not be long before they will be telling you what purpose their intensity has for them!

Outbursts and tantrums are difficult to manage - we therefore strongly advise you attend one of our many workshops or read our parenting books and articles on the subject

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